Have you ever been in a funk? One of those times when nothing and everything seems different and off? I am not myself lately. Things I normally enjoy are faded fun - almost seem gray. Nothing seems to go right and everything I touch seems to go just terribly wrong. I need to DE- funk my life. I need to do something about this funk but I am almost over whelmed with HOW to do that. I think I am going to start the day and change things around and then BLAM!-back in the funk zone. Normally I cant go without music playing in my car and for the past three days my car stereo has been off- and I just listen to the wind rushing by. Nothing seems right. TV- Movies- nothing makes me feel better…

I haven’t even felt like taking pictures….OR….reading my favorite blogs on the internet. WTF?

maybe I will just try large quantities of beer? RUM?

Suggestions? Help? Am I alone here?

I hate to whine. I hate to complain. I try really hard to NOT be the victim or have the victim mentality. I am struggling- I am struggling from running INTO so many walls and road blocks that I am almost to the point of wanting to throw a big ole pity party for ME. (Problem is- no one would come and that makes a pity party even more pitiful!)

I shouldn’t complain. I am alive and well and still breathing. My kids are healthy and doing great. My middle son hit a DOUBLE last night and helped his team WIN their third straight little league game. —-

And when that game was over…I slowly walked back to my car and felt so sad and alone I cried all the way home. The kids went with their Dad…My oldest son Travis, went off with his friends and I went home alone. Again.

You would think that after 5 years of being alone this would get easier. It hasn’t. I DO enjoy some of my time alone and know there are women who crave that. I get that. I get that I chose to end my marriage. I left.

I miss having a best friend. A best friend that I am not an inconvenience to when I call. One who wants to hear from me. One who might even need and like me too.

The silence in my marriage was often deafening. The silence now can be nice and enjoyable or it can SCREAM at me that I am alone.

Last night the silence was screaming at me.

I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I appreciate the fact that for 2 months I got to feel again. I got to feel special and pretty. I got to feel like there was life beyond the four walls of my house. I got to care and listen and encourage. I got to feel wanted and needed.

I tried to be there for you during this time of struggle and hardship. I offered you friendship, companionship and even though it was really hard for me to do…I offered you my heart.

I thought what we had was great. I smiled each time the phone rang or your truck pulled into my driveway. Our time together was limited due to schedules and kids and jobs etc- but even when we could only steal a few moments together it was worth it to me. I thought you felt the same.

Your scared. I DO understand that.

Hearing that you want to date other people (and still see me) was hard to hear. You knew how I felt about that. You knew I couldn’t do it. Telling me your feelings haven’t changed for me-it just doesn’t make it hurt any less.

You are a wonderful man. You are kind and honest. You are handsome and strong.

What I also want you to know is that I am fabulous and rare. I am smart and loyal and honest. I am caring and compassionate. I am a blast to hang out with and have fun. I am a good person to have on your team even when the score is 34-0 and you are on the losing team. I am a good mom. I have my head on straight and know what I want and what I need. I have talents that you had yet to even discover.

I will miss you.

Love,

Dawn

‘Life may not be the party we hoped for… but while we are here we might as well dance!’

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

They just promised it would be worth it.

Wishing I was there…

The snow WONT S T O P….someone please turn OFF the snow!

2008 was going to be MY YEAR! It was going to consist of a new beginning, weight loss, stopping smoking, fresh starts and so many other ideas that had been swirling in my head. This was the plan. The plan has failed. I have failed. I hate this.

SO far this year has consisted of one crappy thing happening after another. I had to say good-bye to my dad. I havent lost a single pound and I am still smoking. I have made a huge mistake that will cost me my pride and money. I have spent more time crying and beating myself up than should be legally allowed. I try and try to turn things around and I keep stumbling farther ahead to only find myself so mush farther behind than where I started.

I have literal bruises and I am broken. Bruised from snow blowing during one of the snowiest winters on record in Wisconsin. Oh, how I hate winter! I am broken by the constant nagging inside my head of all my flaws and scars.

I am a never say never kind of woman but one particular NEVER bridge has been burnt to a crisp. Never to be mended.

I wanted 2008 to be less negative -more filling. More fulfilling. To discover my true passion and future.

The clouds are dark and gloomy.

Its snowing again.

My dad passed away on Jan 15th 2007 at the age of 63, after a short battle with cancer.  I am not sure on how to describe how sad I feel that he is gone-gone too soon.  I thought maybe the best way to do this is to remember the good things.  The funny things and the good memories that I will hold onto forever.

My dad loved to fish.  Even in the winter he would ice fish-and I remember going along and ice skating while he fished.  He was amazing at both catching and cleaning the fish.  He loved playing cribbage and cards. He later enjoyed the computer and gardening and of course sports.

I will always think of him when ever I hear a Brewer Baseball game on the radio.  Or watch a Green Bay Packer game on TV.  I would sit with him and watch the games- and learn.  I wanted to be able to talk football with him and KNOW what I was talking about.

Anytime we all played Trivial Pursuit- and if he didnt know the answer-his answer would be “orville ziltch”  and we would LAUGH and LAUGH…

My entire life EVERYONE has said “you look just like your dad” but I never really realized how much until I saw this picture of us.

He loved being a grandpa…even before they came out to meet him.

He worked hard and played hard.  He always had a good story to tell.

He raced up to the hospital when my daughter was born-and though hesitant-he held her and talked to her as sweetly as any proud grandpa could.  I knew at that moment that I had made the right decision to name her after him.

I am so happy that he got to retire early.  He found new joy in his free time and discovered new things to do and learn.

My childrens last memory of him was on a visit back here in Wisconsin-we spent the day at Bay Beach.  He rode the swings with Carly and the Scrambler with Brian. 

Moving to Florida-and never having to shovel again -seemed to agree with him.

Because all the pieces fell into place-I was able to make it to Florida to see him in his last days.

We had some really nice moments even near the end.  I got him pizza and a diet Coke at his request…and we talked football and I told him stories of his grandchildrens latest activities.

When it was time to go…

I knew it would be our last goodbye.

Sleep Peacefully Dad…. No more pain.

I love you. 

Dawn

We have Christmas’d-we have New Year’d…I even birthday’d and I just dont know where to begin.  SO much has happened that I am overwhelmed and exhausted.  I have been happy, sad, excited, hopeful, defeated and I have cried so hard my eyes were puffed for days. Where do I start?  How can I explain the most whirlwind couple of weeks I have ever had in my life?

Calgon take me away!

Who are you?

Rancho Cucamonga, California

Boston, Massachusetts

Honolulu, Hawaii

Bolingbrook, Illinois

Clinton, Tennessee

Concord, North Carolina

Amityville, New York

Minneapolis, Minnesota

Concord, California

Renton, Washington

Tampa, Florida

Atco, New Jersey

Rochester, New York

Gwynn Oak, Maryland

Which one is YOU? I SEE you!

Fess up-show me some love people!